Man’s Explanation of his Passion for Video Games to his Woman

Baby, we need to talk.

Do you remember when you imposed that moratorium on the use of my Xbox 360 in the apartment? That shit just won’t stand! I feel like you’ve stripped me of my manhood (if my manhood was manufactured by Microsoft, came with two wireless controllers, and provided hours (as opposed to seconds) of satisfaction).

Perhaps you don’t understand what gaming means to me… Maybe that’s why you make callous remarks like “Video games are for children under the age of 13, retarded shut-ins who live in their parents’ basement, and pedophiles.” Baby, that’s just cold (and unnecessarily mean to Uncle Greg - he’s not retarded, he’s just different).

You know how you always tell me that we should “talk”? Well, here is your chance to listen. I am going to explain to you, in terms that you can relate to, the importance of gaming to the males of my generation. When I am done, I am confident that you will come to appreciate just how integral gaming is to a quasi-adult male such as myself.

First off, you need to appreciate that you are up against years of evolution. That’s a fight you simply cannot win! When you and your friends were dreaming about the various Coreys (Haim, Feldman, Hart, etc.) and practicing kissing (which I assume is how you spent your formative years), I was developing a serious case of carpal tunnel syndrome from playing World Games on an Amiga in my friend’s basement. I was jumping barrels, diving off cliffs, and tossing cabers (that’s not a euphemism).

Soon thereafter I would be introduced to my first true love: Nintendo (and Alyssa Milano, but that will be the subject of a different “discussion”). Through Nintendo I met a host of new friends: Mario, Luigi, Zelda, Scrooge McDuck, the two guys from Double Dragon… the list goes on. I also developed my passion for sports thanks to the likes of Tecmo Bowl, Blades of Steel and RBI Baseball. Life was sweet - you should have seen me at Christmas time!

Then, with the introduction of the Sega Genesis, life suddenly got a whole lot sweeter! I learned how to master the wrap-around in NHL (and again in NHL 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 1997, 1998 - thank you, Electronic Arts). I was able to converse with the great Joe Montana by means of “sportstalk”. I even developed a love for animals (specifically hedgehogs - Sonic, not Ron Jeremy).

Though the full litany of titles that shaped my developmental years is too long to recount for present purposes, suffice it to say that gaming has been a fundamental part of my very existence since a small yellow pie graph with a bow enticed me to sit at her tabletop and eat pellets (and a ghost or two).

Now I know what you’re thinking - surely this was just a phase! After all, how did I find time for all the ladies in my life? Yes, how did I… Anyway, the point is that gaming was no mere “phase”. It is a part of my very being. To deprive me of this aspect of my life would be akin to me telling you that you were no longer allowed to fawn over that gay dude who re-decorates houses (Tom Cruise), or to fantasize about men who could satisfy you. I recognize that these are staples in your life, just as gaming is a fundamental aspect of mine.

Remember the other night when I was playing Rainbow 6 Vegas online and that 12 year-old kid from Texas shot me repeatedly in the head, and then I cried a little? Remember that? Those were real tears, baby! That little shit caused me pain! I felt like this kid… And then remember when I trash-talked that other kid whose voice hadn’t quite broken during an intense game of Madden ‘08? That was an experience of pure elation!! Why would you want to deprive me of these moments of visceral release?

I fully realise that when you told me that wearing the Xbox headset made me look like a white Bobby Brown from the Humpin’ Around video , you were just venting. I understand that you were merely expressing your frustration and, dare I say it, jealousy. But you have to understand that there is room in my life for both of you! It’s not that I love my Xbox more than you, it’s simply that I love it differently. After all, I don’t make sweet, sweet love to my Xbox for minutes at a time (so far as you are aware…). That is an honour and a privilege that I reserve for you, baby!

So please, let’s stop this senseless feuding and, for the love of God, please lift the ban on my Xbox! I’m losing my edge, my mind, and my calluses (in certain places)!

Forever Yours,

Your Man