I Heart My Internet Boyfriends

Pretend boyfriends are way better than real boyfriends. I love Internet boyfriends because I don't know them and they don't know me. This makes for a beautiful relationship.

Things are best between me and my boyfriend before I actually know him. Before I have to start actually listening to his opinions just to get laid.

I can pretend that they won't mind that I like to Febreze my laundry instead of actually washing it. I can pretend that they'll find my violent mood swings endearing.

And most importantly, I can pretend that they'll let me lie back in bed and listen to Fleetwood Mac while they do all the work.

No, I'm kidding. I know I have to move a little bit.

Sometimes I think I want a real boyfriend. But then, I just turn on ESPN for a minute, listen to the tedious drone, and I remember what it's really like having one.

Then, I have another Schlitz and appreciate that nobody's there to say "um, Lori, maybe you don't need to have 5 beers before noon," because who needs to hear about their drinking problem before noon?

Oh c'mon, I'm kidding about the Schlitz in the morning. Everybody knows that you start the day with an import, and then move on to your Schlitz later in the day.

Oh c'mon, don't give me that look. You know I don't drink in the morning because that would require me actually getting out of bed. You know I don't like to get out of bed.

Give me a little credit here, people.