Trolls

I've been collecting trolls since I was 12. I currently have over 300 of them though I don't like to count since I don't believe the importance of a troll collection lies in how many you have. It's how much you love your trolls that counts. I've been collecting trolls since I was 12. I currently have over 300 of them though I don't like to count since I don't believe the importance of a troll collection lies in how many you have. It's how much you love your trolls that counts. And I really love mine. So much in fact, that I've opened a Troll Museum in my apartment. A lot of visitors ask me, "Why trolls?" My response: "Why anything? Thimbles? Art? Shot glasses?" I DON'T KNOW WHY I COLLECT TROLLS! I just do. At this point it's like breathing or eating a sandwich or something. I'm hoping that at some point in my life I can afford therapy in order to figure out why I love trolls so much. Until then I'm going to guess that I love trolls because they are the physical embodiment of grooviness. And there isn't enough grooviness in this world. Therefore I am a Trollologist.

Caring for hundreds of trolls is not easy. Their hair is a magnet for allergens so, as you can imagine, there's a lot of dusting and combing involved. I've also had to install some museum rules in order to protect the little guys. The rules are as follows:

1. No undressing the trolls.

2. No taking the troll's heads off.

3. No using cell phones for any reason other than to call your friends and tell them that they should come to the troll museum, unless you are a doctor and you are needed at the hospital and someone at the hospital calls you.

4. No using the word "troll" in the pejorative, as in, "This troll at the bar tried to pick me up."

5. No "fondling" the trolls.

So far I haven't really had any problems, except for when Reverend Jen Junior (my Chihuahua) ate the legs off one troll.

Now that we've gone over the rules, maybe you'd like to hear a little bit about my trolls and their origins.

The first troll I ever got is a titian haired beauty named Adrianna. She is a Norfin. Norfin is a brand name. It is the original wishing troll that one finds in gift stores today. A Danish man named Thomas Dam carved the first Norfin in roughly 1959 and there are still Norfin factories in Denmark today. Thomas Dam's last name is carved into the backs of Norfins, which explains why troll novices called Norfins "Dam it dolls" in the '60s. Norfins were extremely popular in the '60s, but their popularity waned in the '70s and '80s. Then in the '90s, richer, more powerful toy companies began to copy the Norfin troll. Russ Toys created the Russ troll, and in 1992, they launched the ultra successful Russ troll for President campaign. Here at the Troll Museum we believe a troll would make a better president than anyone because trolls have such good luck. And a Norfin would be the best president since they are the real deal. In fact, Norfin recently won a long-fought legal battle against the fake troll companies, giving Norfin ownership rights to troll dolls everywhere. I know this because I've done countless hours of research and also because the CEO of Norfin came to my apartment, which is kind of like Michael Jordan going over to a basketball fan's house and just hanging out.

In college, I heard a story about a hippie in the '60s who stored marijuana in the body of a troll. So I got the bright idea to store loose change in Adrianna. I popped off Adrianna's head and began to fill her bod with change, but when it came time to put her head back on, it wouldn't go on, the way Barbie's head won't go back on after you pull it off. After a half hour struggle, I forced her head back on, which is why Adrianna doesn't really have a neck. I learned my lesson that day. Trolls aren't mere containers. They are sacred. The jingling of change within her, her song if you will is a reminder of the wound I Inflicted.

But enough about Adrianna and Norfins. I also have many "Wishniks." Wishnik is a brand name created by a toy company called Uneeda Dolls who made a pact with Norfin to sell trolls in America during the '60s. This is why some people refer to trolls as Wishniks. Uneeda perpetuated the idea that one could make a wish simply by rubbing a troll's hair hence the name Wish-nik.

One of my most valuable pieces is a set of Wishnik Cut Outs. Made in 1966, these cut outs offer four paper dolls and a wonderful array of outfits designed just for them. Though these carefully preserved cut outs would fetch a hefty sum on eBay, my friends acquired them for only 25 cents at an estate sale in Seattle.

Aside from the Cut Outs I also have a mildly disturbing giraffe troll with yellow face and blue body. Animal trolls were a trend that started in the '60s. Animal trolls are amongst the most rare and sought-out genres of troll on earth.

At this point, you are probably getting the idea that there is not possibly time or space here for me to describe every individual troll in detail and you are right. It would take an entire blog that I write in compulsively, which luckily, I know have. Here I'll discuss troll varieties, troll history, troll videos and troll collectors. You'll hear about them all: my Norfins, Wishniks, Russ, Treasure Trolls, troll outfit sewing patterns, my haunted troll, pregnant troll. robot troll, two-headed troll, troll bank from The Wood County National Bank in Wisconsin Rapids, Wisconsin, my Elvis troll, punk troll, troll lunchbox, troll sleeping bag (which my friend is sleeping in cuz he's crashing in the Troll Museum to save money), troll Colorforms, troll puppets, troll games, giant trolls, tiny trolls, Garbage Pail trolls and more. So much more. So much to talk about. Some days I'm convinced the Troll Museum exists so that troll collectors can connect with each other because, let's face it, we're not that easy to find.