Toilets: The Importance of the Flush (or No Tanks, we’re Flushing!)
I’m never moving.
My apartment is a decent size for New York City; 680 Square Feet. A one-bedroom, 2 blocks from the subway, ten minutes from Manhattan. Hardwood floors on the 5th floor of an elevator building. Enough room for me, my wife, and our two cats. A mortgage that’s affordable. A great neighborhood with a lot of great restaurants and shops within walking distance. All of which are good reasons to hang onto an apartment.
But that’s not the whole picture.
An abnormal percentage of the reason I’m never moving to another apartment is because of our toilet.
I love our toilet.
I love it. It’s not attractive or garish. It isn’t particularly comfortable or uncomfortable. But in the six years since we’ve moved in, (SIX YEARS!) I have had precisely zero issues. Zero clogs. Zero overflows. Zero occurrences that would be deemed as ‘plumbing incidents’. Zero.
How many of you can say that?
It’s a tankless version; meaning that there is not a traditional ‘back’ to it. No tank. No little rubber ball that has to fit perfectly into the hole in order for the water to fill back into the tank. (Toilet connoisseurs will know what I’m talking about). It just goes down with a satisfying WHOOSH into the system and is never heard from again. And there’s no ‘waiting time’ for a tank to fill back up before you can flush it again. It is, in my mind, plumbing heaven.
I have a great passion for an efficient toilet. Why? Let me go back a few years.
I grew up in Green Bay, Wisconsin. The home of the Packers, of frying fish on Friday nights, and tons and tons of dairy products and fried food. There are a lot of, shall we say, people who really like their food in Wisconsin. And a lot of overworked colons. Needless to say, a toilet incident was a regular occurrence at my house. The sound of my dad saying, quite proudly, “Gonna have to lower that one down with a rope!” still rings in my ears.
Not that I’m not proud of the old man. I am! We were a family that took pride in our post-meal movements. But I can’t begin to tell you how many times that, as a child, I finished my business, stood up, pressed that silver lever, turned around and watched, anxiously, as that bowl filled up to the brim. I would stand there, pants down, hoping, nay, praying that it would stop at the edge. I remember thinking that if we just put the lid down, we could stop the impending overflow of doom. No such luck. When I got into my teen years, I began to see the value of having a plunger available at all times. The value of being able to battle that toilet dragon, with a combination of urgency and efficiency, thrusting with a quick, jarring motion until it reluctantly would back away from the outside world; back into the underground system of pipes and sewers from whence it came. And there was a feeling of accomplishment; of victory. And it felt good.
But, outside of your own home, too often you don’t have the tools you need to succeed in battling that dragon back. Too often, all you can do is hope. And pray. And wait, anxiously.
You know that feeling.
You’re out at a club. Or you’re trying to impress your future boss at a job interview. Or you’re out on a first date. Or you’re at your in-laws home. You excuse yourself to the restroom and sit, comfortably, on the porcelain throne, pleased with how your witty conversation has gone so far. What fun and interesting anecdote will you bring up next? You confidently finish up and, without thinking, flush that beast that is so grateful to take away your excess. But when you turn back to look (as you can’t help but do), you realize that it’s not going down. In fact, it’s coming up right to the edge. Round and round in circles. Mocking you. And, of course, there is no plunger in sight.
What do you do? Do you run? Do you tell someone? Do you simply ignore it and leave it for the next poor schmuck?
There are quaint little cafes in Greenwich Village that I am no longer allowed in for this very reason. Cafés that we have left tips that were far too large because I whisked my beloved wife out of the dining area without waiting for change, hoping to get out onto Bleecker street before the manager realizes what has happened in his restroom. I have friends that have said I can no longer celebrate holidays at their parents’ house for fear of a repeat of last year’s “Tsurd Tsunami”. There is a particular bistro in Montreal, Canada, that has my picture next to the bathroom door with the exclamation “Prenez garde de cette tête de merde!” (“Beware of this shithead!”).
I understand the older models in the older buildings. I really do. But, dammit, when people purchase NEW toilets, only to give up efficiency for silence? Or, worse, for décor? That’s not what it’s about, people. That’s not why we have the toilet.
I love my toilet.
So, I leave you with this. Be careful out there. I realize, now, that as soon as I walk into a stall or private bathroom, I’m sizing it up. I wish I were kidding for the point of this article, but I’m morosely serious. I’m careful. Careful of my positioning, sure, but most importantly, I’m careful of the volume of paper I use. I want to give that toilet every opportunity to succeed at its job. You have to. I try, more and more lately, to get away with 2 squares per wipe and, hopefully, not more than 3 or 4 wipes per cleansing. Your own ratio is up to you and, quite frankly, sometimes it doesn’t matter. Sometimes it’s all about the guy who went in front of you who should have, indeed, lowered it down with a rope. Sometimes, all you can do is run.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go use my bathroom. With confidence. With Pride. With an odd sense of patriotism. Flush well, my friends. Flush well.
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