I Want to Thank

Don't we all have a little oscar speech tucked in our back pocket, whether we deserve one or not? Even before I knew what I wanted to win one for, I used to make them up in the bathtub. Sometimes to put myself to sleep, I make them. Lately my Oscar speech contains a nod to the fact that if I won one, I would be the first woman to win a best director oscar. So I have this little joke I practise where I hold the statue up, look him in the eye and say: "I think director Oscar is a little nervous- he's never gone home with a woman before." And then everyone laughs really loudly. The tough part about fake Oscar speeches are that while they provide that momentary surge of adrenaline that you are actually winning an Oscar (in your bedroom), it is a foregone conclusion that whether you win one or not, THAT speech is gonna sound really rehearsed by the time you give it.