How I Ended Up Locked Up Abroad

I have had the misfortune to be locked up abroad. And let me tell you — the graphic, brutal reality pales in comparison to anything the FCC might allow on cable television.

If you have a weak stomach, stop reading here.

Sure, I've seen the National Geographic series. With its badly acted, garishly over-blown dramatic reenactments. Wake me up when the next filthy backpacker is caught trudging through airport security in whatever hellish, unpronounceable (We all share the same planet. Speak English!) resort town the latest issue of Outdoor Magazine has splashed across its cover — with 20 kilos of generic (yuck) Ativan Velcro-strapped to his hairy back. (I have absolutely no idea what a kilo is. Nor do I have the energy to learn how this kilo thing compares to the universal standard of measuring bulk Ativan: lbs!)

My Locked Up Abroad nightmare begins on the blazingly hot tarmac of Charles De Gaulle Airport just outside Paris, France on August 31, 1997.

Having just taken my usual seat (10A) aboard Air France's Concorde, a particularly thorny crew member (Concorde Captains are just so full of themselves!) announces that, "with all passengers now finally onboard" (I was literally only ten — twenty minutes tops — late in getting to the damn airport. I slept through the excessively soft-spoken Concierge's first three wake up calls. Like that's never happened before!? No need for all the Gaulle-ish sarcasm, Monsieur.) they're closing the cabin doors and pulling away from the gate for departure.

Then, without so much as a single, lemon-infused, steamy face towel — what was to be a routine 2-hour voyage magnifique across the Stratosphere (Yes. For the umpteenth time. You can see the curvature of Earth.) came to an abrupt halt.

Inches away from the closed Jetway — Air France's Ground Crew Union decided to strike! And I — along with two-dozen or so other tragically unlucky passengers — found ourselves quite literally locked up abroad. Sealed like so many Beluga caviar inside an inhumanely narrow fuselage-of-a-tin-can. With absolutely no hope of rescue. No chance of escape. And nothing to but read the following Brunch menu:

Brunch

Appetiser

Ballontine of salmon with crème fraîche

Entrées

English breakfast featuring back bacon,
scrambled eggs, pork sausage, tomato and
mushrooms

Lamb fillet with mustard and herb crust,
spinach and sea salt roasted new potatoes

Grilled sea bass with caviar cream sauce,
Swiss chard and wild rice

Oriental style vegetable and noodle salad with
chili and ginger dressing

Dessert

Banana tart
or
Cheese

Stilton, Chevre and Pont L'Eveque

Selection of bread rolls

Coffee, decaffeinated coffee, a selection of tea
with chocolates

As an alternative to the full menu, we are
pleased to offer a selection of freshly made
sandwiches including ham and cheese, egg
and bacon, rocket with goats cheese

For three solid hours!!!