Eighties Clothes
1. shiny mint green looks good on approximately 2 percent of the population.
2. High waisted anything flattens your butt (though this girl has a pretty flat butt to begin with, which I think was pretty common in the eighties),
3. Those colors are straight Easter Bunny.
See, this is what we like to think the eighties were like -- We all just danced down the streets in our turquoise legwarmers, our sideponytails bobbing in the wind and synth effects singing our praises.
BUT, THIS is what they really looked like:
I got this from a site that's made up of clips from old yearbooks. And yeah, that's a lot more like it. Grim, huh? I think I even had that shirt. In purple. I wore it with a green emerald broach at the neck, and then as a complement, did my lower eyeliner in green pen and my upper eye in purple.
Like the years of the, 1929, the Black Death, the occupation of Paris, it's not a time we want to return to.
1. shiny mint green looks good on approximately 2 percent of the population.
2. High waisted anything flattens your butt (though this girl has a pretty flat butt to begin with, which I think was pretty common in the eighties),
3. Those colors are straight Easter Bunny.
4. If you're gonna go off the shoulder, why break up the line with a strap?
5. the reason she has to stand the way she is is because there is no way you can look good from head on, standing straight in a bathing suit that is cut like that -- if you're chubby, the hip fat and thigh fat will bulge out, if you're skinny, you'll like a little plucked chicken.
Like when I'm walking past a High School and see kids lounging around on corners in their neon hoodies, pink pumps, and asymmetrical afros smoking weed and glowering at passersby... They're trying to be intimidating but it's simple: if you've got lollipops on your sweater, you're not gonna scare me. I should be thinking "go to school! get a job!" Instead I'm wanting to scream BUY SOME NEUTRALS! GET BOOTCUT JEANS!
So enough with the kids. The great thing about teenagers -- even though they don't usually know it, yet another proof that if God exists, he's got a sick sense of humor -- is how beautiful they all are. They are bursting with the newness of their skin, they glow, and that glow can stand up to anything, even mint-green sweater, dresses worn with bright pink pixie boots. The real danger is old people, and by this I mean ANYONE old enough to drink -- in eighties clothes. Like if you are over 35 and you're wearing skinny jeans, you won't look cool, you'll look like you're going to a theme party. Cease and desist.
Same for puffed sleeves, scrunchies, asymmetrical hair, and pretty much every other item of clothing on the American Apparel's "new" page. Come on. Harem pants, really?
So a few parting rules. Just five.
1. No more than one zipper per jacket. Michael Jackson started the other thing, and look where he ended up.
2. The only thing worth copying from MC Hammer is the slide
3. Skinny jeans make your butt look big.
4. Shoulder pads are for football players and Grace Jones, only.
5. there is an indirect proportion between the amount of mousse and spray a hairstyle requires and its actual attractiveness.
(Teenyweeny disclaimer: I'm all for converse all-stars. And yeah, Wayfarers are kinda cool)
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