contrast

you hear it all the time, but do we internalize it? take the time to enjoy your time because you never get it back. i like how alan describes this idea, it draws you in, makes you feel it, see it, touch it. he is an excellent writer.

it brought up some stuff for me. i spent my childhood on the edge of death, which formatted me in an unusual way. that sort of knowledge makes you hyper-aware of time. well, not really TIME time, but YOUR time. time continues, even turns back around on itself (me thinks), but your time as YOU, this you right now? limited. a battery on it's way to expiration with no date stamp. would you leave your battery operated items turned on for no good reason? my severe asthma made me learn to take short shallow breaths for fear that something would trigger an attack, but coping with this constant threat also taught me to catch myself, suspend the fear, and take deep breaths anyway. sometimes i choked, but most times..ahhhhhh :)

but also that idea about time being more exciting some other time, yeah, i've talked about that a lot with other people. the idea i find especially funny is when people think that people in the past were "babies". um. no. they were crazy, weird, ordinary, and all the fucked up things we are but in their own versions. maybe because we get a condensed report of the past we forget to imagine them living out their lives, eating, pooping, arguing, laughing, being annoyed, being entertained, etc. it's sort of the same concept about celebrities. you don't get the reports of them having diarrhea, or trouble orgasming, or scratching at their crabs...well, not that often, so you default to picturing them being all glamorous and happy every second of the day. current culture has broken this down some, but STILL, there is that default.

if there is any proof that we are equal, it is that we all are born and all die, and inbetween we all have time in our bodies to spend. the only part we have some (not all) control over is the middle. it is not possible to spend every moment being productive, happy, or otherwise living to the fullest. besides, without the lulls we lose the contrast to appreciate the peaks and valleys. yes, even the valleys. for example, we just lost the douga's dear friend, bob aston. me and bob didn't always get along. he was sort of a chauvenist and complained a lot about how life screwed him over (i didn't want him contaminating the douga with this attitude), but at some point (i suspect when he learned of his terminal illness) he gave that up and just started appreciating things, and we got along grand. now that he's gone i realize how accustomed i was to him being there, in the background, dining with the douga, comiserating, leering at women or whatever. just BEING there. and now he's not. i cried.

i doubt that we can every really escape our childhood formatting, and it will always be our default. i won't ever escape my being raised by a damaged person who kept me at death's door, but i can forgive her that she was ignorant and malicious because of her damage, and limit exposure. everyone is dealing with shit, isn't that what plato said? prolly said it as he was damaging some young boy. and now we're back to the idea that historical times were more exciting. butt really, same things are happening now, just our version.

alan's experience with the performer was very special. it made me feel that he felt love. and who doesn't want to feel that? i think actors in general may be especially looking for it, changing themselves to see if that gets them any closer because maybe who they were in the first place was told they didn't deserve love. we all deserve love. not all of us get it. the hardest love is to love yourself.

so hear it another time. take time to appreciate your time being you. you are the only you, and with all your flaws and bad decisions are all your wonderfulnesses and good influences on others. yesterday i was really angry because the movie time for Rise of the Planet of the Apes was misprinted and when we got to the theater, it had already started. like woody allen, i HATE going in late, so we didn't. there was some back and forth about going to a later show. the douga didn't wanna, but relented when he realized i wouldn't get to go for at least another week. i rarely go to the movies anymore (too dang expensive) and i had been looking so forward to this. so, we decided to go have some SuperTaqueria food and go to the show in watsonville.

a very odd thing happened. i had been complaining earlier that because of my terrorist mama, i have trouble getting along with women. i'm not mean to them, but i don't like the competitive culture that i perceive as always present. well, in the taqueria, a young girl with a huge bright smile happily greeted me, asking how i was, and what i'd been up to. it took me a minute to figure out that she was a fellow student from my Spanish for Spanish speakers class. i was surprised she remembered me, and in what seemed like a positive way. but i thought, ok, well, at least i didn't piss her off, that's good :) then later the girl selling us our movie tickets turned on a big beautiful smile and waved at me, asking how i've been and what i've been up to and if i was going to take classes this semester. at least she gave me clues that i knew her from school, and i sorta recognized her, really pretty young girl, but couldn't place her. it wasn't until after the movie, when i was taking a leak before going home that i figured out who she was - vanessa from french class a year ago. she was 15 at that time and had different hair. we had shared some notes before the test. another positive interaction with a female. hey, maybe with enough of these random encounters reminding me that not all people suck, i could come to trust better.

cautious hope. it's a good day.

:)